Spouse Q&A (Part 1)

Well, I was happy to get some good responses and hopefully I will get some more for the next set!  Thank you to those who added input.  I only selected a few for this post so if you don't see yours, I will likely address it on the next one.  And if you are still shy about it, don't be.  I would venture to say your questions are not exclusive to your family alone.  Ok, not to the Q&A...

My spouse is in the academy/long distance training.  What ways can I support them knowing I am doing a lot of work on my end too?

It is pretty easy to see that any intense training can be strenuous on marriages and individuals.  Really, they are designed for that purpose.  Long distance training can be just as stressful as availability is limited and sometimes time differences makes it worse.

First, know that your work as a spouse is just as important as your LEOs.  In a Celestial Marriage, you are both help-meets to each other.  So make sure that you both communicate that your work is difficult but that you are working through it together.  Taking time to let each other vent a bit often helps, just make sure it isn't a competition.  Bring up jokes.  Read scripture together.  Go through the joyful parts of the day.  Most importantly, continue to find that spiritual connection with Heavenly Father together.

Once you are both on a more elevated conversation, the concerns and "tough topics" are likely to be handled appropriately... like the reminder that you actually would like a break or a chance to rest too.  From experience, both the academy and long distance training (for lack of better word) blows.  Yes, there is great learning, but that separation from spouse and being constantly occupied by something other than fun texts or calls between my spouse and I really was the greater stress.  But knowing I had an amazing spouse at home temporarily holding both ends of the yoke empowered me and I have tried to keep that in mind any time work is stressful and I just want to complain.  You all do great work to keep your family strong and I salute your service!

Previous to this career, a text or a call rarely went unanswered.  Now, I become fearful when that unanswered text goes for hours.  I often fear the worse.  What can I do?

Great question and probably a terrifying one for all spouses, especially with more recent events.  I previously sat in a cubicle with all the time in the world to send thousands of texts to my spouse.  I now work in the evening and that usually means my other half goes to sleep before I am done with my shift.  There are days when I can text or call without any issue.  Of course, there are other days where it is inappropriate or impossible to text or call.

I have some suggestions, but you need to find what works for you.  Have a Family Counsel about it and come up with a few ideas to help.  I have had a hot call come out right off the bat which takes hours to complete.  By then, my spouse is asleep (or trying to be).  I still send the "I'm ok.  Hot call sorry" text even knowing it could wake my spouse.  LEOs, make sure you add something about your call so it isn't construed as a "hey what's up?" text!

Remember too that if you haven't had the "uncomfortable talk" about the worst case scenario, have it.  No one likes talking about wills in normal life, but without it, a lot of unwanted issues come up.  Take the time to discuss and end it with a prayer together.  The Lord always strengthens.  I would also add that an unanswered text is more likely than not a simple reason rather than that worse case scenario.

If you feel comfortable, have your spouse introduce and get phone numbers of beat partners or Sergeants.  Yes this is a little more intrusive, but if it has taken some time to get a text back, it is possible someone with a less hot call can verify your LEO is ok.  Plus, don't you want to get to know the people your LEO looks to for back up?

My LEO is different with this career than they used to be.  They seem more distracted/angry/gloomy/dark/distant/aggressive/etc.  Is there any way to fix this?

Can you tell I got a lot of these?  I am sure there were other vernaculars used but I just wanted you all to see that you are not alone in this concern.  It is easy for LEOs to blame it on the job.  I have done it too.  The reality is most of the time it is a mix of job training and unresolved stress.  Yes we sit in dark corners of the room scanning for threats.  That is part of the job.  But the anti-social attribute is not.  The new "battle plan" for every occasion it probably normal.  The negative outlook isn't.  Basically it boils down to safety measure vs learned behavior.  Have a family counsel and discuss it.  PTSD is real.  Depression from the terrible things LEOs see is real.  Exhaustion is real.  But it is up to the both of you to discuss and identify the differences and adapt to some of the new changes.

Will you tell my LEO I love her/him?
Ok, sure!  Haha, I had to add that one in.  LEOs, your spouse loves you.  So give 'em a big ol' smooch and a hug.  Or text them that you will (and follow through).  We are nothing without our partners while on the job but we are even less than nothing without our Eternal Partners.  Remember, they are the reason you do what you do.

Thank you for all those who submitted questions.  I really can't do all this myself so if something inspired you, email or comment me.  You might have better advice than I can give!  I hope this is one of many Q&A's in the future.  Let's keep the conversation going and the communication open.  Take courage, LEOs.  And for goodness' sake, be grateful for your spouse!

Godspeed, LEOs.

-LDS Sheepdog

Readers' Choice Topic - Alone

While I await more responses for my Q&A for spouses, I have gotten a lot of questions from readers about what to do when they are faced with a lack of support from their family, friends, church members, or their community.  Seriously, this is like the number one question brought up to me.  So if you feel you are alone in this, I encourage you to write me.  Your concerns and advice actually help me answer questions others have and are the reason this blog has as many topics as it does. (My email is at the bottom of the page under profile)

I think most of us feel the duty of our jobs and see it as a honorable and valiant service to our fellow man.  If you are in an especially Mormon population, you probably see the "American spirit" of first responder jobs in the media or over the pulpit.  And yet after we begin this job, all the "atta-boy" and "what a noble profession" turns into, "Can't you tell your work you need few Sundays off?" or "You shouldn't be so aggressive at work" or "How are you supposed to raise a family with your schedule?"  Where did that support go?

The reality is that while as a whole there are standards to live by, but sometimes those get blended into a culture.  I think some people (myself included) have at one time or another looked at the "standard" LDS household:

NOT the real family.  These people are probably nothing like what I describe below...

Met the LDS standard family.  Husband and wife in the temple a few months after his mission.  Only LDS schools for them.  Children right away and career immediately for Dad.
Dad works at a 9-5 steady job with personal interaction at work, but no moral conflict with his work activities.  He maintains a quiet and pleasant demeanor and probably works under a great boss who understands he needs time off for family at the drop of a hat.  No weekend work is done because he only chooses a profession that refuses to do so.  He is home to assist with a large family of well behaved children, and holds a "major" church calling which he performs again with no work conflict.  Heck, he might even work for the church offices or something.  He has friends but only "Christian" ones or "more religious" ones.  Debating with friends is off limits.
Mom is a stay-at-home wife and mother who raises her kids to go to a school that is morally righteous.  She does not work because that would be against an undocumented commandment to be at home with the kids full time.  She holds a large calling and ensures that any of her "free time" is spent only in service and scripture study.  She hosts several blogs but only works on them while the children are asleep or studying.  She refuses to interact with anyone that might question the morals of her family.

Ok, a little extreme.  And really this says nothing about them other than an outward appearance.  This family is not standard.  This family is culture.  But culture is not a standard.

Think of the 4th Article of Faith.  Those are the standards.  I would venture to say that most of you have not and will likely never meet the above listed mold.  And even if you did, that is not important.  What is important is your relationship with Heavenly Father.  What is important is your personal growth toward Eternal Life.  Repentance is important.  The Family Proclamation is important.  Your life and your family's life should be based on the Principles and Ordinances of the Gospel, not an idealistic idea.

If you are still worried you are doing something contrary, put it to this rubric:

1 - Are you (and your spouse for those married) counseling consistently with the Lord?

All of us are working in the same direction, just on our own personal growth path.  If what you are doing is looked at by others as wrong or different, that matters extremely little (unless what you are doing is actually wrong, of which you pretty much already know you are doing it incorrectly).  What matters is that you are in the solid triangle of you, your spouse, and the Lord.  No spouse?  Make it a solid rod of you and the Lord.  Just as no one can tell you what your testimony is, no one can make life decisions for you.

2 - Are you studying, not just searching, the gospel principles?

This blog is not doctrine.  Even some of the greatest literature written is not doctrine.  The scriptures and gospel teachings which are in harmony with Latter-Day revelation and prophets are doctrine.  Go to your Heavenly Father in active prayer AND searching of these works for guidance and you will find answers and comfort.

3 - Are you actively participating in the work of the Lord?

Again, I have had many of you contact me discussing very personal and difficult struggles.  One of the common themes is a fear of not fitting in or a lack of support (especially with recent events).  My answer (and one reiterated by all the prophets): participate!  Sign up for the activity you know you could do, but have to rearrange a few calendar items.  Volunteer to host a family for dinner.  Take the calling, or offer yourself for a calling.  If you only expect to be acted upon, you will likely be left wanting.

4 - Where is your faith at?

Believe in the Lord.  Believe in His plan.  Know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are on your side.  Build your testimony of the Lord, not in temporal things.  If you need more faith, exercise it.  LDS.org puts a lot of information on the website weekly and if you haven't looked at it, there is a ton of relevant, actual gospel principles taught. Only you know what needs to be improved in your life so ponder and reflect on what you need.

I hope this helps ease some of the anguish I read.  If not, message me!  We are all in this world together for a reason.  And if there is one last thing I could say to you on this matter (at least for this post), it is that I care about all of you.  In fact, I would venture a guess that everyone else reading this blog besides you cares about you as well.  Don't despair.  Take courage!

Godspeed, LEOs.

-LDS Sheepdog

Spouse Q&A (Well the gathering part for now)

Seeing as I posted earlier, I thought it would be nice to get some real interaction.  So this week, have a heart to heart and ask your spouse what questions they have had while you have been employed in such a great cause.  You can email (contact is listed but if you get lost, its under my profile) or use the comment area to ask.  After we get the questions, I will post what I can so we can all work together to better ourselves, our relationships, and our closeness to the Lord.  The post may not be for a week or so in case some people are sheepish (bad pun) about responding.  If you know someone who has a burning question they could be answered by all of our experience, direct them here or send it in for them.  This blog was made for all of us!

Stay strong out there.  The Lord loves you and supports you.  Find comfort in that small but important fact.

Godspeed, LEOs.